Marriage Help & Healing Your Relationship

Relationship and Marriage help is not hard to come by. Everyone has “the perfect solution”…right? The truth is that every relationship is different which is why it is important to get professional help to save a marriage. But there ARE some fundamental aspects to healing an ailing marriage or other significant relationship.

Marriage Help – First Stop the Bleeding!

In order to initiate the healing of an injury, you must first stop the bleeding. In order to do this, you must…

Explore the Twenty Signs of Marriage Problems to identify specific problem areas.
STOP treating your partner like an enemy:
- Bradshaw’s Four Horseman of the Marriage Apocalypse
- Stop acting out cycles of abandonment, shame, and contempt
- Stop the cycles of Punishment & Forgiveness, Distance & Pursuit, & the Figure-Eight.
ASK your partner for a truce or cease-fire
DECIDE as a couple if you want to turn things around
UNDERSTAND this will take commitment and a conscious effort every day to develop a new way of effectively relating to each other.
Be WILLING to settle for “progress – not perfection”

Marriage Help – Diagnose Your Condition

In order to treat a problem, you must first know what the symptoms are and where exactly the damage is. In order to do this, you must…

Learn about what I call the Dance of Externalization also known as The Drama Triangle & the Enabling Trap
Learn the traits of a healthy relationship so you can identify what areas upon which you need to focus.
Learn the normal stages of a healthy relationship so you can identify where you are in the process.
Review the information in Relationship Help to identify general problem areas in your marriage.
Learn about the psychological mind games you play as a couple and how to stop them.
Know when to get professional help if the wounds are too deep to address by yourself…especially if alcohol abuse, Codependency, or other compulsive behaviors are a problem.

Marriage Help – Apply First-Aid

Treating your condition also requires learning and using new relationship skills. Remember that the term relationship is a nominalization of the action word meaning to “relate”. Healthy relating includes:

Healthy Communication Skills
- If you have trouble identifying your feelings use this Seven-Step Feelings Process to increase self-awareness.
- Download the Speaker-Listener Technique
- Download the Identifying Problems Tool
The Basic Elements of a Clear Message:
- “I feel/felt _______________________” – Your Feelings
- “When I see/hear ___________________” – Sensory Data
- “Because ________________________” – Your Interpretation
- “I want or need ___________________” – Your Preferences
- “If you do/don’t ___________________” – Your Boundary
Using Fair Fighting Rules
- Download Fair Fighting Rules
- Download Unfair Fighting Rules
Learn how your relationship with yourself affects your relationships with others.
Learn about and use the Perceptual Positions
- First Position – Identifying & Expressing Your Wants and Needs
- Second Position – Building Rapport & Developing Empathy Skills
- Third Position – Developing Objectivity and Emotional Regulation Skills